I never thought much about gender. I never felt limited by my sex, nor entitled because of it. The "F" printed on my driver's license never had any conscious impact on my decisions in life, whether it was to go to college or not have children. My marriage was defined by relative strengths and weaknesses, a dance of interests and abilities, rather than by historical societal norms. I never thought much about gender. Until I got divorced, that is.
Once I was divorced, people assumed that I was enlisted in a war -- "us against them" -- pitting Mars against Venus. This was a war I wanted no part of, but because I was perceived to be involved, I decided that I needed to be informed.
I fall into the category of the 66 percent of divorces that are filed by women. A statistic I never knew and never wanted to know. I might have been the partner to initiate the divorce in the legal sense, but I was only responding to my husband's abandonment. I wondered how many divorces were actually desired by the woman, a far more telling statistic, but one that is often hidden behind the closed doors of a marriage.
The 1999 study, Towards Understanding the Reasons for Divorce (Wolcott and Hughes) sheds some light. According to their research (the most recent I was able to find), 64 percent of women felt like they initiated the split whereas only 23 percent of men took on that responsibility. These numbers are interesting; they show that regardless of what behaviors or thoughts led to the split, men more often feel like they are the ones being left.
When news of my divorce seeped out of my immediate circle, assumptions were made about the reasons for the split. Again, I was ignorant of the role of gender and caught off guard by the conjectures formulated by people who had never stood in my kitchen, much less my bedroom. According to Wolcott and Hughes, these top five reasons men and women leave marriages:
Men
Communication 33.3%
Incompatibility 22.6%
Affair (either self or partner) 19.7%
Financial 4.7%
Physical/Mental Health 4.7%
Women
Communication 22.6%
Affair (either self or partner) 20.3%
Incompatibility 19.8%
Alcohol/Drugs (either self or partner) 11.3%
Violence 9.6%
What strikes me are the similarities between the two sides; they are much more alike than they are different. And, despite the common perceptions, sexual incompatibility only accounted for
According to the research, men are more likely (25.8%) than women (19.2%) to feel that the divorce was not fair. Much of the perception of fairness has to do with the allocation of resources and subsequent financial status. The statistics regarding the financial implications of divorce for men and women are quite interesting. According to the Pew Charitable Trust 2012 Fact Sheet, almost half of women experience a substantial decline in income after a divorce, down from 63 percent in the 1970's. About half of men also suffer from an income decline, but this has increased from 30 percent in the last 40 years. These statistics show that the negative financial implications from divorce have become more equitable in recent years, and that financial hardship is faced almost equally by men and women, although their perceptions may differ due to the relative changes.
Equity has also begun to seep into the courts. According to a 2012 Reuters report, almost half of divorce attorneys have seen an increase in women paying child support and/or alimony. This is in line with women garnering greater earning power and more men taking on the task of child care. Our relationships are no longer delineated by gender and our court rulings should reflect that reality.
Divorce may feel like a battle between you and your ex, but there is no reason to turn it into a war between men and women. Divorce hurts us all and the statistics can only hint at the heartbreak buried beneath the surface. There are differences in the experience, but the similarities are much more profound. We all face the loss of a partner. We all struggle with trying to make sense of a new reality. We all have to work to understand our own part in the demise of the union. We all hurt and we all can heal. So instead of signing up for the war against the opposite gender, perhaps we can learn from our shared experiences and work on healing together instead of being angry alone.
Follow Lisa Arends on Twitter: www.twitter.com/stilllearning2b
Source: www.huffingtonpost.com
USA Muslim Matrimonial - Owen Sound Sun Times
We must have heard several love stories which happened irrespective of borders and must have wondered how they’d materialized it, how they met, how they started it off and finally how in the world they struck the chord and decided to get settled. If you think that such stories are limited to only privileged few, think again. Zarooratrishta.com brings you the secret of the overseas marriage from the country where love is in the air. We bring you the best possible matrimonial solution for your bride or groom from the genuine and verified single Muslims in US so that your overseas pursuit for a Muslim partner can become a lot easier. We keep a verified database of single Muslims in US and are currently on the brink of becoming the pioneers of Muslim Matrimonial USA.
Usually Muslim Marriage Sites offer you matrimony from only area of your native or residence or even if they happen to offer you matrimonies from across the planet, you don’t have the option to verify it as profile photos may be misleading. We keep a thoroughly verified database of handpicked Muslim matrimonies USA because we know that nikah is usually the affair of grand celebrations, not keeping up with apprehensions that come supplementary with its planning for which zarooratrishta.com offers you a complete peace of mind so that your celebrations remain celebrations not only for your friends or relatives but for you as well.
Source: www.owensoundsuntimes.com
Depression and Divorce: Helping Your Children Cope With Both - Huffington Post
Divorce has many effects on children. No two children will react in exactly the same way. That's why parents need to be diligent about watching for signs and indications that your child may be having problems coping with their new reality.
Depression is one of the more common reactions we see in children of divorce. Unfortunately, many parents entirely miss or misinterpret the signs of depression. It can take many forms, including behavior that is distancing, lethargic and withdrawn. This is often accompanied by a drop in school grades. But depression can also manifest in other ways, such as agitation, frustration and aggression.
When depression takes that form, parents are likely to think of it in terms of discipline problems and respond with punishment. It takes maturity and a broader perspective to stand back and realize that your child's misbehavior may actually be a way of communicating how they are feeling. Their confusion, anger, resentment and powerlessness to control their life circumstances get expressed physically because they don't know how to verbalize those complex emotions.
Understanding and compassion goes a long way toward opening that door to communication. Instead of punishment, try talking about your new family situation and acknowledging areas that can be improved. Ask for suggestions. Try to get feedback, to create a dialogue rather than lecturing.
The key for parents is in finding more time for emotional support and reassurance to help your child feel less alone or isolated -- especially by the new circumstances in his or her life. If extended family -- grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are not close by, this becomes even more essential. Children need the support of emotional anchors -- close family and friends -- and the consequences of divorce too often isolates them from the very people who can best help them through the transition. For this reason, you as a parent must continuously keep your eyes open for signs of emotional distress -- and then quickly respond with love, attention, compassion and both physical and emotional support.
Studies show that the rate of serious depression is increasing in children -- up from 2% a generation ago to 23% for children up to age 20. Not all of it is divorce related, of course, but it still should be a wake-up call to parents. Don't beat yourself up with guilt. That doesn't serve any one in the family. But do be alert so you can address issues that come up early on, before they lead to far greater problems. Also seek out the assistance of professional counselors or divorce groups for additional support.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and author of the internationally-acclaimed How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right! and other valuable resources on child-centered divorce as well as her free ezine, go to: childcentereddivorce.com.
© All Rights Reserved Rosalind Sedacca
Follow Rosalind Sedacca on Twitter: www.twitter.com/RosalindSedacca
Source: www.huffingtonpost.com
Divorce no reason to party - The Age
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Are divorce parties in bad taste? We love rituals. We do. They make us feel connected and purposeful. Rituals may be religious, or not. They may be shared with hundreds or few. But we love them because they are transformative. Weddings transform single ...Source: www.theage.com.au
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