By Janice Atkinson-Small

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Wanted: one family home, detached period (no low beams), preferably Georgian, within a village setting or rural, quite road, no traffic noise and that is realistically priced … stop there, and there’s the rub – the ‘realistically priced’ tag. 

I’m house hunting and getting a little dispirited to say the least. I decided to dedicate the last three weeks to finding a house, moving out of London and into Kent. We know exactly what we want and both of us have owned over the years a number of properties in Kent. We think we know the market a little.

Dealing with the agents is frustrating.  There are two types of estate agents – the fly-by-night boys, with their aggressive sales arm with the barrow boy attitude and ill-fitting suits to match who take to using your first name rather than affording you the courtesy of attaching your title and surname and have no interest in your requirements, but to hit their sales targets. Then there is the old-fashioned, courteous, land agent, qualified surveyor, whose company has been around for donkey’s years and survive on their reputation and knowledge.  Although, one of the latter-type of agents did call me the other day and asked, 'Perchance, would this be Mrs. Atkinson?' (really!).  I am told by the grown-up agents in Kent that there is little stock, but what is on the market is vastly over-priced with sellers having a very over-inflated view of what their properties are worth.  Coupled with that their competitors are overvaluing and undercutting fees and this seems to be the norm outside of the London property bubble.

Wanted: one family home, detached period (no low beams), preferably Georgian, within a village setting or rural, quite road, no traffic noise and is realistically priced

Wanted: one family home, detached period (no low beams), preferably Georgian, within a village setting or rural, quite road, no traffic noise and is realistically priced

I asked the same question to a couple of grown-up agents, why are the properties not selling and why are they over-priced? They both said that vendors are frightened of interest rates rising because they have overstretched themselves financially by borrowing more for new kitchens, cars, holidays and, in some cases, school fees. This confirmed my view and since 2004 I have written extensively  about this - the middle-classes are like frightened rabbits waiting for the bubble to burst.

Before I spoke to these two agents I had viewed a number of properties and none of the stories of why the vendors were moving added up.  It also seemed very odd that there were very few chains.

Too many were ‘downsizing’, or ‘looking to move into rented accommodation before we decide what we want’ (they all had numerous kids or grannies in tow, so that was an unlikely truth), hence no chains. The truth was that they had spent vast sums on getting the properties to look like a feature from House and Garden or Channel 4’s Grand Designs and had unrealistic ideas about the price tag.

One woman had a son at a grammar school quite a few miles north but had two little ones who attended a very local prep school.  Her excuse for moving was that they wanted to be nearer the grammar school.  As the boy got the bus and she drove the other two the story was very unlikely.

Overvaluing and undercutting fees seems to be the norm outside of the London property bubble

Overvaluing and undercutting fees seems to be the norm outside of the London property bubble

No, she just wanted someone to pay her inflated price so that she could cash in on what she thought was a continuing property boom and she could ‘downsize’ on others' willingness to pay the price.  It won’t happen.

Some have annexes or small detached cottages. Usually they have installed the granny who has sold her own home to move in with the offspring. The reality is that it is cheaper than a nursing home and the kids can get their hands on the inherited cash quicker and avoiding capital gains tax.

The grannies were all a bit bewildered as I am sure they all thought they would be, living in the annexes until their demise. Not so. The other problem for us was that our teenage children might want to move back in or elderly relatives might come to stay for the weekend and not leave. My husband shies away from annexes.

Many looked like the interiors of five star hotels with mood lighting, fires, music and shutters controlled by remote controls. These controls were by the bed, in the kitchen and sitting rooms, God know what would happen if they lost the damned things, presumably they would be forced to live in darkness with the piped music forever set on Robbie Williams?  The carpets were so rich, cream and deep piled that levitation was the best option so as not to spoil them. If the bedroom furniture was fitted it had been ordered from the back of the up-market Sunday supplements and truly horrid. Three had installed hot tubs and when I asked would they be taking them with them I was met with pitying looks that said why didn’t I want to spend my time getting wrinkly in a smelly tub and feeling sick with the jet propelled bubble system. And it’s very naff.

One agent had sneaked in an extra viewing on a very delightful 16thc low-beamed cottage.  I said no low beams.  Again the cottage had been ‘Farrow and Balled’ in every room with mushroom deep pile carpets galore.  My husband is 6’ 1” and would bang his head ten times a day and develop a hump but the owner gaily said oh, my husband’s 6’ 3”.  I wondered whether they lived in separate houses or had bashed his head so many times that he was gaga.

Then there are the descriptions.  One had described the house as ‘New England style’.  Untrue – it was a sloppily built, timber framed, weather boarded house that were thrown up in north Kent during the 1920s.  Several houses had set the dining room or kitchen tables for formal dining, including linen napkins, silver napkin rings, polished glass and silverware.  It’s not real life or they have got too much time on their hands.

One barn conversion had a Persil white Range Rover and matching white Porsche outside – very ‘My Fat Gypsy Wedding’ and the owners matched the cars.  All very fit, pumped up with black and white photographs of them all around the house.  He opened a cupboard that contained a few novels – ‘we don’t like to have our books on display’.  Quite – all Jackie Collins and body-pumping stuff, and ‘books create dust’!  The house was all black, white, brown, chrome and …. cold.  Think boutique hotel, very clinical and spotless.  His pride and joy was the gym which was better fitted than my local David Lloyd, again with matching pictures of pumped and primped him and her.  I left him saying ‘...and the garage can get me Bentley in too, no trouble love’.  Another one bites the dust.

Many have spent vast sums on getting the properties to look like a feature from House and Garden or Channel 4's Grand Designs and had unrealistic ideas about the price tag

Many have spent vast sums on getting the properties to look like a feature from House and Garden or Channel 4's Grand Designs and had unrealistic ideas about the price tag

Then there are the retiring couples in their 70s who genuinely want to downsize.  And if they were just doing that, there wouldn’t be a problem.  Two openly admitted that they would be using some of the money to give to their thirty year old children ‘to help them out’.  Again, the purchaser is expected to fund the lifestyles of the kids that are in debt or just haven’t made it yet.  And this attitude is partly fuelling the over-priced property boom in London.

Some are marketed as having lakes (or very big, man-made ponds) in the garden.  Some have little Japanese bridges over them (naff) and large Japanese koi and sturgeon (equally naff). They are horrid, the great things come up to the surface opening their wide, silent, toothless jaws and it’s all very eerie and clinical. I like the idea of water with fishes and lily pads and frogs. But unfortunately my husband thinks that fish comes in 4 ways ... in batter, as sashimi, in a pie or in a tank.

I do wonder at these grand design projects. Looking at the cream carpets I thought about my naughty Burmese cats bringing in the local wildlife and depositing blood and guts over all that cream.

We currently rent in London and are looking to move back out to Kent within a few miles of either Ebbsfleet or Ashford International stations so if you know of a property that is detached, period (no low beams), preferably Georgian, within a village setting, quite road, no traffic noise and is realistically priced, get in touch, even if you’ve got cream carpets or hot tubs.

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Soundfs like somebody's soured by the futility of looking for a house at a knock-down price!

Sorry, kept getting distracted by the 'quite road'. You meant quiet, didn't you?

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